Warm me up and breath me

I hate my weight. I hate my body. I hate myself. It feels like I'm only eating and eating and gaining weight though I know it is not true according the scale. I had to try the one at the gym just in case my two scales both have it wrong. It showed even less than at home. Still I can not get peace of mind. I feel like throwing up. I am fighting with T all the time. She thinks I need therapy, I think I need to control my eating better and start exercising more.

I hate going to work. The ward nurse complains about my lunches which she does not consider lunches at all and tells me to go to the cafeteria to have some real food in order to be able to study and work. The cafeteria lady refused to sell me such small portion of salad and told me to either take a bigger plate of it or add some soup and I refused and told her I'd pay the whole price of the meal I just don't want it and felt all the people in the queue staring at me.

I even had my periods again. Had not had them in four months. They lasted for 24 hours and it was so painful I thought I was going to die or faint or something. I felt so dirty and disgusting and fat. I wish they will never come back again. Last weekend I was visiting my parents and ate way too much. I am still ashamed of it. I'm glad I'm working all christmas holidays so I don't have to go home and eat any more forbidden foods. No christmas kilos for me this year!

I hate myself today. Tomorrow I'll be better.


EDIT

throwing up again. feeling shamed, relieved, saved.